Tiger Woods riktiga tal. I skrift...

Så här såg det ut, och hördes...

Och det här menade han....

Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who
criticized me for my extra-marital affairs. You must live a miserable
existence if you have nothing better to do than read about my personal life
in the tabloids. But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my
behavior so that you will continue to buy the products I endorse.
So here goes. I am an average looking man of mixed racial descent. Like
most men, I had trouble getting pussy before I became a famous
multimillionaire. I did okay at Stanford because I was on the golf team,
but the women there graded out with a "B" because they were leftovers that
players on the football team didn't want. Before that, I got nothing
because I have a bland personality and big lips.
Then, I win a few golf tournaments and women are lining up at my door. Of
course, I took advantage of my opportunities. These were women who wouldn't
give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot.
They wanted me so they could brag to their friends about having sex with a
celebrity, while holding the belief that one day they would live a life of
luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods. When that didn't happen, they seized on
an opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking
the part of a woman scorned.
Now I want to discuss my wife. When I met Elin, she was just like the
others, except she played the "hard-to-get" strategy that women often use
to corral men. It worked. She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman:
pretty face, nice tits, nice ass, and an inviting personality. We dated
for a while, had wild sex, and we genuinely enjoyed other's company. When I
asked her to marry me, she accepted. Why wouldn't she? Only an idiot
would say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people only dream about.
Our marriage was okay. We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good
mother. But since she had those kids, she's become a bitch, and doesn't
want to have sex very often. And, she won't accompany me on road trips,
except to the major championships. Unfortunately, my job requires that I
travel to a different city every week where women nod approvingly at me
where ever I go. Do you see the problem here?
To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes? Would you
have said no to all the woman who lined up to meet you, especially after
listening to your wife bitch at you over the telephone for not spending
enough time at home with her and the kids? And to all the women: How
many of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me,
knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K?
I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids. As
for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be okay
if we divorce and she is forced to survive on her own. And don't forget
that vast support network she will have after appearing on Oprah and The
View.
As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions. I have lost millions
and might lose custody of my children. Almost everyone who sees me takes
great pleasure seeing me in pain.
Now here I stand, while you sit there anxiously waiting to hear my
heartfelt apology, when all I really want to tell you is "Fuck Off!"